Although I’m generally confused about what’s going on with referrals for therapy, there has been talk recently of me having counselling/therapy with a sexual abuse specialist bod.
This is something I really haven’t talked about with many people. Even my husband, and friends in the past, noone really knows much about it.
My concern now, is that I already feel like the mental health system has sucked me into a vortex, which I feel trapped by. My brain’s inner workings and self confidence have become progressively mutilated over the last few years. My identity has become altered. How I see myself has fundamentally changed. Even with only 9 sessions of CBT and a succession of psychiatrists asking me the same two or three questions over and over, I’ve become a different person.
Do I really want to put myself through a potentially more invasive situation? I mean I’m sure the abuse has had an impact on my life. You only need to look at my relationship history to suspect that’s the case. But I’m not sure I’m mentally strong enough, or am able to trust someone enough to let them go around prodding at my most tender memories.
Can I move forward in my life without this? I suppose that’s the question. Do I need to go through this in order to be able to live a decent quality of life?
But my mental breakdown, and losing my job were nothing to do with sexual abuse. That was to do with not being able to cope with bullying at work, intense pressure, very long shifts, the beginning of the recession. Wasn’t it? Wasn’t it mainly just a combination of stress and depression? I mean, if that hadn’t happened, would I even be thinking about dealing with my childhood?
So, surely its just opening wounds that deep down inside, for the sake of it. I know they are there, but is there any benefit in digging down to expose them? Where will it end up?
I suppose I’m terrified that I will make things worse. And also not convinced that talking with a perfect stranger about these things will do anything except make me dwell on them more. Add to my self image of a victim even more. I need to be building my confidence, trying to find positives in my life, in my past, not constantly thinking about all the shit that’s happened. Don’t I?
(Not a rhetorical question, I’d really like to hear from people who’ve decided to have therapy of a more in depth or complex nature, not necessarily for abuse. I really don’t know what to expect)
Its been building up for a while now. But I’m really beginning to feel on the edge of the precipice again. I probably shouldnt write this stuff down. But I feel completely overwhelmed with emotional pain tonight. Loneliness, pointlessness, emptiness. Its all becoming too much. Or too little. I sometimes feel like I don’t exist. Tonight I feel like I exist too much to be able to cope with it.
Had a letter this morning from psychiatrist, summary of last appointment.
In the last CPA this psychiatrist had given me no diagnosis. Wiped me clean.
Previously had so many diagnoses. Was a bit strange to have none. Maybe I was ok really. Maybe there was nothing wrong with me. I could start again. A new person. Could it be that easy. Escape from the system. Born again as one of the norms.
Today’s letter, back to being diagnosed. Back to that label. A weight around my neck. Yet it’s also a reassuring weight. Familiar now.
Do they not realise how disconcerting this is, to be diagnosed, to constantly have diagnoses changed, to be undiagnosed, and then rediagnosed again. The feeling that noone is really in charge here. That I will get used to a label, only for it to be changed again.
Does anyone really know what they are doing? Its all so subjective, how psychiatrists interpret a person, on a particular day.
I was angry last time I saw her. I can’t even remember why. But I was angry before I walked in. When she said to me “we haven’t met before have we” that didn’t help. We had met before. So I then felt both angry and alienated.
If I’d known she was going to rediagnose me that day, maybe I would have gone in with a sunny purple hat on, smiley face, full of happy thoughts and joyful grins. If I had, would I have a different diagnosis now, or none at all?